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SKINNY, HAIRY, WHITE ASS FUND
When Norm first showed up on "Monday" (actually, just the first hour of the 5-hour
taping), he wasn't quite dressed for ocean-side frolicking. So, for the rest of the
"week," Carson collected money from the audience -- the "Skinny White Ass Fund."
The idea being: to get Norm into a swim suit by "Friday." Well, they raised nearly $60,
but Our Hero could not be cajoled into baring his "hairy" self. (I don't know about you
guys, but I think Carson was a little too "into" this running gag. As he actually seemed
DISAPPOINTED when Norm couldn't be bribed.) Norm did offer Carson a suggestion,
"We could just abandon the bit, split that cash, and go get some booze tonight."
A REVENGE STORY
NORM: Well, this wasn't my idea, but my buddy did it when we were in college. We
sent these dudes at this fraternity we didn't like a big bunch of doughnuts. And then
they ate the doughnuts. And underneath the doughnuts we had a Polaroid of me and
my buddy with the doughnuts on our [penises.] [Laughter.]
CARSON: That's good! Why didn't you write that into the movie?
NORM: We did. They wouldn't let us do it.
DON RICKLES
NORM: Rickles just insults everybody all the time. Most of his insults don't even make
sense. [Laughter.] Like he'll just go, "Why don't you go to Alaska, and suck on a
whale?!" [Laughter.] You don't know what it means, but it's funny.
DAY 3: HOTTIE WATCH
EDITOR'S NOTE: I know this doesn't have much to do with Norm, but I hope y'all will
forgive this moment of self indulgence. You see, while reviewing all FIVE FREGGIN'
HOURS of Daly tapes (not all at once, mind you) -- I fell in love. It was Day 3 of the
Seaside Heights experience, Norm was half-answering one of Carson's mind-numbing
questions, when I saw her. A Vision. A blonde Vision in blue jeans and a strained
bikini top. God bless MTV. Heck, while He's at it ... go ahead and bless the
cameraman made made sure to keep the Vision in frame, even when Norm would lean
forward. Now, you're probably saying, "Poor, Noel. The bleary-eyed bastard should
really cut back on the Jolt Cola and Twizzlers." No, this is for real. This is love -- I even
hear music when I see her. Unfortunately, it's Ace of Base covering "Unchained
Melody." But, music nonetheless. Here's where you -- the readers of The Fake News
-- come in. I know someone out there must know this Vision. Go to her. Tell her of my
love: "Whoever you are. Let's go to Las Vegas. Let's get married -- for awhile."
CHRIS FARLEY
CARSON: Chris Farley has to be just one of the funniest people. Is he that funny in
real life too?
NORM: Yeah, he was funny all the time. Constantly. He's the only guy I've met who
could make young people, old people, smart people, dumb people -- it didn't matter.
He could make anyone laugh, and he did it constantly. He was great -- he was
probably the best comedian I ever saw in my life.
CARSON: How long had you known Chris?
NORM: I knew him about five years. He was a real sweet guy to. And, he did this
movie for free, just to hang out. I'm proud that he's in the movie. He was really, really
funny in it.
CARSON: Was there anything when you shot it, that sort of made you go, "Wow. He's
a little out of control. Something bad might happen?" Was there any sign of anything?
NORM: No. No. When he worked, he was completely straight all the time. Because
he was just consumed with his work. Whatever he did, he did like a thousand times
more than anybody else. ... when he got into work, that's when he was the straightest.
FOOT MASSAGES DON'T MEAN SHIT
You can imagine how MTV launched this plan, "Hmmm. Let's see. Macdonald's movie
is called 'Dirty Work.' Hmmm. Hey, I've got it! We'll have members of the audience do
his dirty work. Get it? HUH! HUH! HUH! Yeah, we'll have a guy fish a picture of Donna
D'Errico out of the toilet. And, then -- get this -- we'll have someone give Norm a
pedicure!" Oh, boy. That's a hoot, huh? No. But, the lovely Natalie seemed tickled to
death about being selected to wrestle Norm's toes.
SCREWDRIVERS
CARSON: Think back to when you were like 18. Did you ever do anything like get a
tattoo, or get pierced -- or like summer came around and you sorta went nuts?
NORM: Uh, I used to drink alot. [Laughter.] One time, when I was a young guy, I was
drinking in my house, and I passed out. And the next day -- you know those Jehovah's
Witnesses show up? [Laughter.] So, he knocked on the door, and I opened the door.
And he like froze. He was all horrified. I had barf all over my clothes. [Laughter.] It was
screwdrivers -- all orange with chunks of Kentucky Fried Chicken. [Groans.] And he
didn't even want to talk about Jesus, or anything. [Laughter.]
DONNA D'ERRICO
Even a "Baywatch" babe has tuned into the revenge theme of Norm's movie.
DONNA: I have somebody I'd like to get revenge on. This girl named Kristen in the 7th
grade -- she called me "acorns."
CARSON: Why acorns?
DONNA: I was going through puberty. [Laughter.]
CARSON: Really?! Wow! ...
NORM: Now it's like a giant oak tree! [Laughter.]
BURGESS MEREDITH
NORM: I wrote it for guys that I thought were really funny, that I loved. And then they
all agreed to do it.
CARSON: Was there anybody else that you wanted to, but it just didn't work out?
NORM: Uh, Burgess Meredith. But, he died. So, he was unavailable. But, he was the
Penguin, you know.
COLLEGE STUDENTS
CARSON: Well, for people who are funny, who just think you're really funny [and would
like to see you perform] -- do you just come into towns and do like comedy clubs, or
do you do colleges?
NORM: Yeah, I do colleges. I like colleges.
CARSON: Why do you like colleges better?
NORM: Because I like college kids. They're all drunk. [Laughter.]
CARSON: Kinda like this group here?
NORM: Yeah!
BOB DYLAN
CARSON: Norm, you mentioned you like Bob Dylan's work.
NORM: Oh, yeah. Bob Dylan's the greatest.
CARSON: Alot of people say his most recent record he put out is his one of his best.
NORM: Yeah, that's a great album. You gotta get that.
CARSON: Yeah. Where alot of people know Jakob Dylan -- his son -- who is a part of
the Wallflowers --
NORM: He sucks! [Laughter.]
ARNOLD
CARSON: Gary Coleman's in this too?
NORM: Oh, yeah, Gary Coleman. He was fun to work with, because I always loved
him on that show. So, I wanted to get him in the movie. You know the show he was
on?
CARSON: Yeah. "What's Happening??" [Laughter.]
NORM: No. "Diff'rent Strokes!" "What's Happening?!" [Laughter.]
CARSON: It was the first thing that came to my mind.
NORM: The funny thing about working with him is that you still think of him as a kid.
CARSON: Sure. You want to call him Arnold.
NORM: So, like all the time, I'd be like, "Hey, Gary, how's it going? Can I get you a
cookie, or something?" [Laughter.] He'd go, "I'm 50!" [Laughter.] "Get me a prostitute
and send her to my trailer." [Laughter.]
CarsonSka29@hotmail.com